"Why We Lose Friends After Grief and What to Do About It"
by Paula Stevens
"When you listen to those who’ve lost a loved one, it doesn’t take long before you begin to hear the sad retelling of friendships lost or damaged and complaints of feeling isolated by family members. The unfortunate result, for the person who is grieving, is a deepening sadness and bewilderment wondering…
Why are the people I thought would always be there for me unable to stand by me?
One Word Answer: Vulnerability
Your loss, of a child, spouse, parent or friend, makes other people feel weak, defenseless & helpless. It challenges their sense of control and makes them face their own greatest fears of losing a loved one. For them to stand with your pain, they must touch a place in themselves they don’t want to go to.
You were most likely this same person prior to your loss. I know I was and I’m sure I didn’t’ show up in the best way possible for friends who needed me. Because back then, like your friends now, I had a choice. But now, like you, I don’t get to choose the amount of vulnerability I expose myself to –death of a loved one mandates that we step into vulnerability.
And I’m not talking putting our toe in the water – it’s a cannon ball type of immersion into vulnerability!
There lies the difference between you and them – They get to choose to walk away from those feelings, protect themselves and take shelter from the raw, vulnerable, burn of an unexpected death. They get to slather up with Vulnerability Protection Factor 50 (VPF50) and go on with their lives. Appropriately protected from the damaging effects of feeling too deeply.
You don’t/didn’t get to choose and you can no longer slather yourself in VPF50 and pretend that the universal laws of life and death don’t apply to you. You, my friend, are raw and opened up to all of life’s most scary realities… and it burns hotter when we reach out for support and don’t get what we need.
Brene Brown (my girl crush) has the bestTED talk on vulnerability and it will change the way you see the healing potential of embracing this tough emotion.
It’s Not Personal & It’s Not Intentional
Most of our friends and family mean well and are doing the best they know how with the skills they have. The skills we have at any given moment are a culmination of our lives experiences. Let go of wondering why they can’t just say and do the perfect thing, they might not have the experiences you need them to have to do that.
One reason we lose friends after a loved one dies is that we expect them to know what we need using our life experience as the reference point. The perfect example of using our own life to scale others experiences is the comment, “I know how you feel, I lost my: dog, cat, goldfish, great-aunt, teddy bear(fill in the blank with something you perceive to be less than your loss here).” The person is trying to connect with you based on his/her own experience and that’s the best they can do… whether you like it or not.
Just as you wouldn’t go to your dentist to deliver a baby, be realistic about what your friends strengths are and how they can support you. Perhaps you have a dear friend who sucks at hearing your stories of sadness, but she is great at bringing home baked cookies unannounced. She is showing up in the best way she can, honor that in her and don’t make her the bad guy when she can’t do what she doesn’t know/can’t do.
How do I make my friends get it?
You don’t.
Your job is to continue to do the hard work of healing fully and reap the benefits of doing the work.
Your job is NOT to make your grief journey about what or how other people respond to you. If you want to make it about how other people are reacting, then do that by your own actions. Your authenticity and truth about what heals you and owning your journey will make people take notice – in a positive, cultural paradigm shifting way.
Being angry, resentful, bitter and complaining that people don’t act the way you want does two things:
- It prevents you from healing.
- It perpetuates the exact problem you are complaining about.
Demonstrate how vulnerability can create deeper empathy for others suffering by embracing your healing. As Mahatma Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”. Your journey isn’t about changing other people, it’s about changing yourself for the better. Working to become a better, more compassionate citizen of the world because of your loss.
Yours is a sacred journey, not a Disneyland vacation. Choose your companions wisely.
You could go to Disneyland with just about anyone and everything would be ponies & rainbows. The sacred journey of deep healing decrees that we carefully select our cohorts. For these types of journeys it’s better to have a small group of fierce healing warriors in the arena with you than a thousand fans cheering you on from the stands. (truth is we need both)
I am not suggesting that you ‘unfriend’ people who aren’t able to stand in the fire with you. Rather cast the characters in your life story in the roles they can best play. We need all types of people in our world!
Most importantly, seek to surround yourself with those who can stand in the fire with you. Join a support group, an online community, attend a retreat or whatever you need to do to cast the other roles that your current friends and family can’t fill."
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